"Eres la india más bonita" (You are the most beautiful Indian)
is his opening line as he approaches me as I'm waiting at the bus stop, reading my book. It's a driver for one of the nice double-decker David-to-Panama City buses. I know he means it as a compliment, but hearing it is a punch in the stomach. I am not a beautiful Indian, I'm an outsider who has been given precious permission to wear a nagua. I wear one every time I go visit potential new sites because I feel that people are instantly a little more relaxed seeing a foreigner come in when he/she is wearing local dress and greets them in Ngäbere. On instinct I narrow my eyes and reply curtly, I'm not a native, sir. He asks if I'm a pilgrim for World Youth Day happening currently in Panama City. No, I live here. I explain how I lived in the Comarca for two years and am now doing a different job here in San Félix. Oh good, that you're living here, so much better down here than in the Comarca, he states. No, I reply, actually I liked living in the Comarca better. Cooler climate, beautiful views, less pollution, surrounded by friendly neighbors. I change the subject because I'm not in the mood to hear his opinion on the Ngäbe.
He tells me about his son, who is 9 and loves cars. They took a trip to the US last year for auto-themed attractions and went to the Henry Ford in Detroit! So we talk about that a little. He tells me that his wife is my age. He looks like he's about the same age as my parents, mid-fifties. Turns out she's 28, he shows me some photos of her on his cell phone. She's beautiful, I say. Yes, he replies, I love younger women. *gross*
The bus is about to leave. He motions for me to get on and I tell him no, I'm waiting for a Tolé bus because I want a bus that takes me directly to the chiva terminal so I don't have to pay for a taxi. I'll take you for free, he says. I hesitate, and I want to say no because it's not fair, but I can't pass up a free ride on a nice bus. When we reach the Tolé entrance, I get off without paying while the Ngäbe man behind me digs through his wallet for change.
I feel ashamed, enraged about this: I get a free bus ride simply because I'm a white person. It truly makes me sick thinking about the racism I see and hear every day. This is not covert racism like the US where people save it for at home or behind a keyboard. Nope, you will hear "The Ngäbes are dirty", "The indigenous people are irresponsible", "The people of the Comarca just don't understand" out loud, in public, sometimes right in front of Ngäbes. Whenever I'm told something like this, I counter it with an example of someone hardworking or clever that I know from the Comarca. Maybe 90% of the time my story is quickly dismissed.
I got to Tolé, got my busito up to Alto Caballero and had an awesome meeting with a technician from the Ministry of Agriculture about potential new sites and how to improve the partnership between Peace Corps and the ministry. I was in high spirits coming back down to Tolé. I went to buy some veggies and as I was leaving the stand I pass two guys around my age. As soon they're behind me one of them says in a loud, snarky voice, "It looks like they left a pilgrim behind" and they both laugh. I turn around, shoot them the stink eye and say "I'm not a pilgrim." Ugh.
Bus back to San Félix, gotta pass the security checkpoint on the highway. As the busito is pulling to a stop I dig through my backpack for my passport. I look up and the officer is glaring at me. He says sarcastically, "So you're trying to camouflage yourself, huh?" Everyone on the bus turns to stare at me. He's referring to my nagua, I guess? I stammer something, not sure how to respond to this question. Peace Corps? he barks. Yes. He lets me off the hook and demands to see ID from only one person on the bus, a young guy in the front row. A Coclesano, hmm? I share an eye-roll with some of the people sitting around me. Why is this officer allowed to single people out? I ask the woman next to me. She shrugs, that's how it is.
I've had confrontations with much more aggressive officers at this particular checkpoint. Ever since one of them yelled at me in November 2017, my pulse quickens and I feel anxious every time I approach the checkpoint, hoping I won't be harassed. As a white person in this era I will probably always be a part of the dominant race so I'll never really know whats it's like to be part of the marginalized, but I will say I understand more clearly how it feels to be racially profiled, to be singled out solely because of how you look. I can imagine myself as a "foreign-looking" American worrying every time I go through airport security about getting questioned or pulled aside for a "random" pat-down. I imagine myself as black man driving at night, worrying a police officer might pull me over and assume I'm a criminal or worse, point his gun at me. And I understand now, more than ever, being a white woman is kind of like an invisible shield. If an officer is unnecessarily harsh with me at the checkpoint, I can (and I have) expressed my annoyance because I know that my whiteness is protecting me. But what if that black man driving at night responded with some equally sassy words to the officer? We know that he doesn't carry that same protection.
This post doesn't really have a rosy ending; the reality that we live in can be pretty grim. One thing that I am so much more grateful for now than I was before Panama is the diversity we have in the US. After living two years in a mono-ethnic community, where I had to get used to being constantly gaped at, being an anonymous person in the US surrounded by people of all colors felt amazing. I was walking through Chicago Union Station in December to catch the bus and I couldn't help but smile at how all different kinds of people were just coexisting and no one was staring at anyone because everyone looked different. This may sound ridiculous to you, but it was honestly magical to me haha. Obviously we have a long way to go in the States, but after Peace Corps I will cherish living in a diverse place every day of my life.
Alright, ending this post on some more positive notes:
1) Señorita Panama 2018 Rosa Montezuma, who represented Panama in Thailand at the Miss Universe Pageant in December, is part indigenous and went to elementary school in the Comarca. She's amazing! Here is my favorite photo from her Instagram. You should check out some of her other photos too, despite her fame she's incredibly down-to-earth.
2) Here you can watch Pope Francis' message (also read the English translation) to the world gathering of indigenous youth that took place in the Comarca on January 19th. At 4:41 HE SPEAKS IN NGÄBERE and totally butchers the pronunciation, but A for effort!!
3) Okay I admit this song in not empowering in any manner as Kenny Man is singing about women basically as sex objects, however, I have to say the song makes me smile. It's about how he doesn't want some foreign woman, don't want no blonde ;), he wants a dark Panamanian woman who appreciates the yuca boiling on the fire. He mentions every province including the three major indigenous provinces:
Coclesana, Guna Yala, Embera
Ngäbe Buglé nuestra Miss Panamá
Tenemos de todo no hace falta ma' na'
"We have everything, we're not missing any part"
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